I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
