this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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