He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
