Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize