If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ladies don't puke and tell
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize