The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
