My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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