Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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