Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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