I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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