I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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