Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
