Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
