a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
