2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
