Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
