Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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