walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
