Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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