my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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