you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
