i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
