Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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