I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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