please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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