Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
