I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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