I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize