I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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