That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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