i was born a porn star she said
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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