So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
