I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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