Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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