just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
