Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
