some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
