she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
