Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
