I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
