Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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