I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My penis needs a shock collar
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
