My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
