I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i came on her dog
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
