I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
