don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
