I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
