She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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