Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
