Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
