the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
