He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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