I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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