my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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