drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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