So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
