If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
