so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
