DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
