Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
