Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
did you just send me my own nude
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
