If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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