Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
